SURVIVOR'S GUIDE FOR AUDIOPHILES Part 1
(How to meet non-audiophiles and survive)
We all know which is the most important thing in life: Listening to our HiFi system.
We all know which is the main scope of our houses: To be a (good sounding) environment to install our HiFi system.
We all know which is the main destination for our incomes: Purchasing better and better HiFi gear.
We all agree on the fundamentals facts in life: Having a wide frequency response and getting a realistic virtual image (whatever that means).
It's a sad fact of life that not everyone is an audiophile and I regret to admit that so many people out there don't even know how to switch on (properly) a stereo system.
It is quite surprising to discover how many non-audiophiles are out there.
You meet them several times a day and you don't even notice them because... they're not interesting, of course!
You might have noticed they have nothing interesting to say, most of the times.
This kind of people (non-audiophiles) can be ignored or avoided, while you go home to enjoy your system.
But there are situations you can't avoid them!
Like a birthday party or a social dinner: you are simply forced to communicate with them!
Considering how many non-audiophiles you may encounter it is easy to get out-numbered and be considered a minority!
Non-audiophiles can't be avoided, no matter how hard we try.
All we can do is minimize contacts so that we can save time and devote ourselves to what really matters.
HiFi! What else?
The following guide contains 8 easy-to-follow golden rules on how to behave in these situations, and how to communicate with a non-audiophile and manage to survive!
SURVIVOR'S GUIDE FOR AUDIOPHILES Part 2
1) Try to understand their weird point of view
Non-audiophiles can't understand that listening to a good HiFi is the only thing one should do anywhere, anytime.
Their obscured minds believe (hear hear!) there are things like friends, society, work and even... family (!!!) that are of paramount importance when compared with what they simply call "music listening".
Hard to believe, I know, but that's the way they live their useless lives.
For this reason, if someone asks you which are the most relevant things in life try answering:
family, friends, a good job, good health or any other nonsense of this kind.
Don't even try to tell them the truth, cause it will take endless hours to go away and go back to your relieving HiFi system.
2) Use real life methaphors
Non-audiophiles aren't prepared to understand how your life is devoted to formal perfection (in frequency, pace and rhythm).
For this reason, you should learn to translate your feelings using phrases taken from "real world", so they can understand. Some examples:
-- Instead of trying to describe the feeling you get while listening to your system with that new mains cable (based on the Higgs' boson and discovered by an audiophile cable Company years before the CERN LHC experiments!), the extremely dark and silent background paired with a 3D scene that literally surrounds you...
Try saying: Have you ever tried to walk in the woods when the Sun is fading down, when it's light can be barely seen among the trees and an extraterrestrial silence seems to surround you?
Well, my mains cable does all that without having my shoes covered with mud and my neck bitten by mosquitoes.
-- Instead of trying to describe the joy of staying up late, trying to adjust the VTA of your turntable, the sweet sensation of feeling yourself as a part of a whole when the naked cartridge hits the first groove, after 7 hours of trials and errors...
Try this methaphor: Do you remember the feeling you get while waiting the dawn on the seaside?
It's exactly like that, without the need to get a cold and having to explain to your wife where did you spend the whole night.
-- Instead of trying to explain the second mortgage to buy a new mains filter with unobtanium-in-oil audiophile caps...
Try this way: Have you ever played the lotto? More or less it is the same thing.
Only difference is you don't know which is the final prize.
SURVIVOR'S GUIDE FOR AUDIOPHILES Part 3
3) Pretend to find their lives interesting!
This is certainly going to surprise you but non-audiophiles think they're special, they think they have something interesting to say!
It might be one of their hobbies or their successful carreer or even the joys of having a family (hear hear!).
This is, of course, absolutely 100% pure nonsense, but it would be better to show some interest in what they say.
To make your behavior more realistic, think of the first time you reversed the polarity of your mains, discovering an entirely new dimension in your life, and, from time to time, smile and say "Aaaaah, yes, absolutely!", "Wow, that's amazing!" or even "I couldn't agree more".
Caveat emptor!
It is possible and extremely dangerous that a non-audiophile says something on which you strongly disagree.
Avoid, repeat after me, AVOID any kind of discussion with a non-audiophile!!!
God only knows where such a discussion might lead or how it may end.
Do not forget to be KIND, BRIEF and, possibly, evanescent.
4) Pretend their opinion on useless HiFi is absolutely true
Those damned non-audiophiles believe, most of the times, that HiFi is a completely useless hobby (err, sorry, way of life, hobby is not correct by all means, I know).
They think that, in order to listen to some music, an ipod-clone and a pair of cheap headphones is all you need.
Alternatively, you can listen to music by means of your TV set.
Once they discover you're an audiophile they can become extremely aggressive and, hence, socially dangerous.
Most of the times they'll say something like "HiFi is for idiots! A toy for losers!".
It might be difficult, but try to avoid replying there are scientific methods to prove "differences" between HiFi components (especially cables!!! Double-blind and even triple-deaf tests are there to prove it!).
You should just try to agree saying something like "I can't agree more, HiFi is a plague". Your "friend" will think he proved his theory and you'll be home and safe.
SURVIVOR'S GUIDE FOR AUDIOPHILES Part 4
5) Never say how much your HiFi system cost!
Almost nobody -except audiophiles- can understand the level of perfection a good HiFi system might reach.
If you unveil the price you paid for those high-end boron-moron connectors you're going to be in trouble, mate.
Looking for a solution???
Lie! Lie! Lie!
Just tell them you paid $199 for the entire system, ignoring the number of zeros you actually wrote down the last time.
$199 is a sum that has been scientifically proved to be adequate for a stereo set.
If a non-audiophile decides to buy a stereo system (for example to fill an empty shelf) $199 is the exact sum he is willing to spend.
Nothing more and nothing less than that.
6) With female non-audiophiles just talk about shoes
Social events are strangely crowded with women, the non-audiophiles human beings par excellance!
Though your ego suggests you tell them how insanely powerful your power supply is, how long your new tonearm is or how hot can your vacuum tubes become
I suggest to avoid, I say, avoid talking about high fidelity.
First of all, with certain women "high fidelity" is a pure oxymoron, secondly you might be instantaneously classified as "loser", "nerd", "geek" or whatever that may fit.
Be smart! Ask them about their shoes, where did they buy them, which price they paid etc.
Then refer to an (imaginary) pair of shoes you saw during your last visit to Via Monte Napoleone (in Milan) or Via Condotti (in Rome).
Cite Venice at your earliest convenience, as this always guarantees a certain kind of effect.
Mentioning PRaT might lead to embarassing misunderstandings.
If you are smart you may end up experiencing some amusing intermezzo between the two sides of your favourite audiophile pressing.
SURVIVOR'S GUIDE FOR AUDIOPHILES Part 5
7) Avoid audiophile-oriented gifts
When invited to a party, it is quite common you have to buy a gift for your host.
Avoid purchasing 400 grams audiophile LPs!!! Two things might happen:
Either the LP gets instantaneously played on a super-compact all-in-one turntable with USB port (and a cartridge loaded with 10 grams of brute tracking force)
and/or you'll be instantaneously declared socially out-fashioned.
Nobody will ever invite you to a party again. You'll be the one to blame... (which is good! At least you can stay home to listen to your HiFi set once more).
8) Judge favorably any "music" system they dare to propose you
This occurrence might be rare, but for this reason it is one of the most thrilling ones.
Some non-audiophile, knowning you are "one of us", might invite you to listen to his HT or his car-stereo.
Though your ears might bleed while the guy cranks up the volume just turn your disgust into a smile and comment using catch phrases casually taken from HiFi magazines. Here are a few examples:
"The tonal balance appears to be mostly correct, though I do find it a bit euphonic, don't you?"
or: "Wow! This system, in terms of microdynamics, outperforms components costing 10 times more!"
or even: "The perception of the silence between notes and players is outstanding! I think the mains cable you are using plays a significant role here".
Your host will be happy and, hopefully, will switch off his torture-machine.
Don't be afraid to exaggerate! Always bear in mind the golden rule: The higher the praise, the shorter the torture.
Πλήρες
Vivere Pericolosamente...
Είπα να βάλω για icon σ'αυτό το μήνυμα το κόκκινο θαυμαστικό του κινδύνου, αλλά μετά είδα αυτό με το... δάκτυλο και πιστεύω ταιριάζει καλύτερα... :o
Το γιατί είναι... ευνόητο... :p
Dactyloadapter Plug
Για τους λάτρεις του... αναλογικού...